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YOU CAN.

3 Jun

Hello hello hello people of earth! How are we? Hope you are well! If you’ve made it to this intro then thank you kindly for clicking onto my blog!

It’s been a month since I last posted and the theme I previously followed covered the topic of tackling fears and chasing your dreams. (click here for a recap!) And boy oh boy have I been tackling my god damn fears since writing that post.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while now, then you’ll know that music is my thaaaang! Singing in particular, is a big love of mine (sorry neighbours, my late night singing cannot be helped…) and I’ve always had the biggest attachment to music throughout my life. I could probably go on and on about how much I love music but maybe we’ll leave that for a separate blog post!

Not so long after posting the previous blog, it really got me thinking about my life path and what I wanted to achieve personally with all things music. Ever since I can remember, I have always been a very shy person when it comes to performing or showcasing my singing and only up until about 2 weeks ago, I actually sang full out in front of my best friend for the first time. What lead up to that moment was quite the rollercoaster journey of getting a major audition for a TV singing show. (just casual!) I can’t go into too much detail really about it all because of confidentiality and all that jazz but guys….a freaking AUDITION! What the hell is that all about!?!?! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever envision that for myself. And guys…it was an invite only audition I might add(!!)

It all started off with an email. Just a quick little email that I sent off to the relevant people with my youtube channel link and my name. It was a fleeting decision that I don’t think I really thought about in much depth but I was feeling inspired and someone encouraged me to apply so I thought, you know what? SOD IT! I should be practicing what I preach and just go for it. So I hit the damn send button and that was that.

A few weeks had passed with no thoughts even in my mind about the email I’d sent and as I sat on my bed, I thought it would be best to log in to my emails and check up on all the important adult type emails that usually spring up in my inbox (“your dominos order is en route”..sorry what? *ahem* you know… all the important stuff right!?) And there it was… low and behold… an email from the TV PEOPLE! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I was internally freaking out. I was on my own in my bedroom, my flatmate was in the shower so I had no one to externally scream at! I was frantically tapping on my phone texting my close loved ones that something mayjayhhhhh was casually happening. (well nothing was even happening yet BUT STILL!)

“we’d like to speak to you and arrange a call” is essentially what the email said. Queue me having a casual meltdown and nearly vomming all over the floor. This was crazy. I mean, nothing was even happening yet but these people have seen my singing videos and they actually WANT to speak to me? Gahhh! So fast forward a few days, I’m in work staring into space and unable to concentrate on a single thing that needs to be done because all I can think is, oh my god, I have to make a phonecall and I.am.so.scared. My bezzie can attest to the absolute state I was in. I’m usually so confident on the phone and in any of these type of situations I wouldn’t have a care in the world, but this was a biggy and boy was I scared. All I had was doubt and fear in my way telling me I was going to fluster my words and sound stupid and mess it all up but with support from my bestie sat beside me, I reminded myself that I needed to do this, I needed to tackle the fear and like I always say to myself and anyone reading my blog, I needed to push myself to do this. So I sat there on a little sofa, nervous as hell and MADE THE DAMN CALL. It was actually totally fine and the person I spoke to was lovely and it was over within 10 minutes. “Right, we will be having a meeting on Friday with producers and we’ll let you know then Megan! Thanks bye!”

Oh jeez. Okay, so now I’m preparing myself for another anxious filled few days to hear back the ‘result’ as such. It was difficult but I carried on as I do and then Friday came along. I’d been staring at my phone all day waiting for something and there was nothing. I prepared myself for it to all end there but alas, the universe decided different! “We’d like to invite you to an audition”. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT IS GOING ONNNNN!?!? Once again, I had no one in work with me at the time to celebrate this with because it was all hush hush but my god, my insides were exploding (soz not literally but yknow what I mean) and I now had to gear myself up for the next challenge.

So this leads us pretty much up until now, where I have now recovered from about a month of preparation and worry and excitement and ALL of the emotions to actually complete the audition day. I am happy to report that I freaking DID IT! I was nervous as hell and have never done anything more scary in my entire life and to be frank, I crumbled a little at the start and felt so sick but the fact that I actually managed to get real actual singing notes out of my mouth to a panel of people for the first time in my entire life (and I will note that this is the first time I have EVER sang in front of people professionally as such) was such an incredible feeling. Considering I have zero professional experience whatsoever, I can’t actually believe that I did it. I’m still overwhelmed and blown away by the whole thing even after doing it and I guess the moral of the whole story is to just say that no matter how scared you might feel or how impossible something might seem that yes, YOU CAN do it. You can do anything you want to in this life and whatever you set your mind to, is not an impossible task to complete.

I’m really big on mental health and battling fears and barriers that often can get in the way of everyday life and as someone who has always suffered with low self esteem and confidence issues, mixed with a range of depressive emotions and anxiety, I can’t say that I ever saw this to be a reality for me. Long term, I am not sure if this audition will lead elsewhere and I have fully accepted that if it doesn’t progress, then I am ok with that because this in itself has been such a crazy achievement for me. (I mean hey, it would be an incredible bonus but yknow…)

After I sang my songs to the panel, a separate crew member from the TV show had a brief chat with me and asked me “What is your greatest achievement professionally with music?” and I honestly answered “this right now. this audition and the fact that I just did that”. Honestly people, it is crazy what can happen in your life and where you can go and what you can experience and I cannot push the message out enough that you should really go for what you want. Even if it’s for something short term or long term, whether it be for a life experience or something you want to achieve in the future, just do it because YOU BLOODY WELL CAN and no one is stopping you except yourself.

I could not be more thankful to my lovely support system in my life who spurred me on throughout this little (well, BIG) journey (you know who you are!) and it honestly just pushed me and pushed me to keep going and to just do it. If you have that in your life then do not take it for granted but just remember that even if you don’t, you always have yourself to count on and that to be quite frank is the most important person you need. (and if all else fails, then you’ve always got me!)

I’d love to know if anyone has gone through a similar life experience (not necessarily the singing thing) but a time where you have faced a big fear or a challenge where you thought it was impossible to tackle but you did it? Please share your stories in the comments! I hope my story can inspire just one of you to feel motivated today after reading this blog!

Thanks for reading and ciao for now! xo

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Tackling your fears and chasing your dreams! (the most philosophical/cringe blog title you’ll ever see)

7 Apr

Well hello there people of earth! How ya doing?! Welcome back to the blog and thanks for joining if you’re a regular or new reader!

It’s currently 9:50pm on a Saturday night and unlike most 20 something year olds, I’m not out on the lash this evening or having a bloody mad one but that’s not making me feel like I’m missing out because I’ve had a bloody great day – I’ve been feeling fairly positive this weekend after a weird week back in work and tonight my thoughts are…fears. Facing.your.fears.

Facing your fears can be one of the hardest things during your lifetime whether it be big or small fears. It could be spiders. It could be plucking up the courage to ask someone on a date. Putting on a swimsuit and going to the local swimming pool. Skydiving. Facing an enemy. Going for a new job. Anything. As humans, we have this automatic barrier that goes right up in front of us if we come across anything remotely scary.

For so long, I’ve always been a very reserved and shy person in many situations. Social situations in particular… parties, gatherings, school events etc etc. Growing up, I was a very artsy/expressive/creative child but when it came to being in school or being around others, I always felt like the quiet one of the group. Always so much inside of me that I probably would’ve loved to have expressed but there was always a louder character around or something just stopping me. I think it all stemmed from comprehensive school during my teenage years because prior to that, I definitely did try and put myself out there. I committed to 8 years (!!) of ballet lessons as a child, attended brownies and rainbows clubs and did piano lessons. These were all great things that could’ve really set me up for later in life if I’d continued with them but then the teenage years came around and it’s like nothing mattered anymore or it wasn’t ‘cool’ enough to do any of that stuff. I felt like all I could do at this stage was just blend into the background. Not that there’s really anything wrong with that I guess, but I don’t know, I think it definitely played a big part in how my life transpired and that brings me to now and how it feels facing any fears or chasing dreams that I may have had or still do have.

As a confident (ish) 20 something young adult now, I’ve most certainly branched out since my days in school. I’ve been through a lot of life experiences in probably a short amount of time and it’s built my character to be a lot stronger. I feel like I am very confident in many ways, particularly with people. I find it quite easy to make conversation now and when it comes to things like job interviews, I can always psych myself up for the task at hand and perform well. However, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It’s still not all sunshine and rainbows and recently in the last year in particular, I really feel like something has been missing and that I have so much more to give to the world and to myself as a person…however, facing my fears and going for it is a proper struggle!

I’m sure many of us feel the same way when it comes to pushing ourselves and really going for what we want. It’s really bloody hard and I think as a society, we are very self deprecating. There seems to be this stigma around being too confident/cocky and I’ve always had this fear that people will judge me and think I’m egotistical and full of it for believing in myself. I think it’s generally human nature to worry about what others think of us and no one can ever be THAT self assured of themselves as a person however I think it’s time for the attitude to change!

For anyone who has followed my blog or my stuff online for the last few years, you’ll know that I am a very keen singer. (click here for my channel… weyheyyyy get that promo!) As a child, I don’t think I ever thought about singing as a ‘thing’. I knew that I was crazy about music because I listened to it non stop, either on my walkman, my mp3 player, my ipod, CD’s, TV music channels, anything that played a song basically. I remember having ‘disco’ nights at home with my family on the weekends, I remember always enjoying singing in the choir in primary school and I did enjoy learning the piano for the brief time that I did it. I think it took me a long time to realise I was quite in tune (hehehe… no pun intended) with my musical side and it hasn’t been until my recent 20 something years that I’ve actually started acting on it a little.

I started getting really nice feedback from friends that I could sing well and it fuelled this crazy fantasy in my head that maybe someday, something music related is what I could end up doing with my life. I chose my university degree in radio, purely because I knew it would involve getting to play music on the radio and connect me closer to it. I started posting regular singing videos on my youtube and actually started to try out some songwriting and DJ mixing. Gigs/concerts have always been my absolute happy place and I’ve always continued to love and go to them.

The passion and fuel inside of me for my love of music is wholeheartedly THERE but you know what’s also there? That damn WALL OF FEAR! I don’t know what it is and why I can’t break through it but there is just this ultimate fear and doubt ever present and I don’t quite know how to push through it at the moment. I often feel very discouraged and doubtful of ever achieving any aspect of the dream and I think a big part of it probably stems from things like social media. My path in life as discussed earlier in the blog will certainly have a part to play but honestly, social media can be the absolute DEVIL sometimes! I find myself mesmerised by all of these fantastic singers and dancers online and spend so much of my spare time glued to the screen but all the time thinking, oh my god, there’s no way I’m as good as these people. Also, look how many hundreds and thousands of people there are all doing the same thing as me, how on earth does anyone stand out or make it!? And don’t even get me started on things like X Factor! All of these crazy talent shows used to get me hooked and I just thought wow, look at that! But now they scare me more than anything because of how competitive and intense it seems to be. I think body image plays a big part in it too. The pressure to have to look good to make it in the music industry is quite intense I think. I am not confident in my body at all and I am trying to work on that even just for myself and my own confidence this year with the introduction of the gym to my life. (perhaps I’ll start a separate blog on that journey soon!)

All of this stuff makes facing the fear so challenging but I would like to think that I can start changing that mindset and that you too can do it with any fear or challenge you may have in your life. I realise that not everyone is shooting for the stars thinking they’re gonna be some bloody popstar (lolz) but whatever it is you want, you go get it! This positive weekend of mine has really got me thinking about the year ahead and how I’d love to progress with my passion. Even if it wasn’t to go anywhere major, just being able to to even incorporate it more into my daily life would be fantastic. I’d love to start relearning the piano and become more confident and actually sing or perform in front of people. Never in my life have I ever done it properly and that scares the HELL out of me but I want to face it in the near future that’s for sure! I think it’s important that we all push ourselves a little more sometimes because there is only one life that we get (soz cliche but true) and if you’re not gonna spend it doing what you love or what you’re passionate about then what’s the point? There is no shame in being confident in what you love or excel at and you should always use it to your strength.

So if you have any similar stories or thoughts on this topic, please do let me know! I’d love to know your thoughts about it all! I can’t be the only one who thinks these things!?

Thanks so much for reading and ciao for now xo

Trying to survive your 20s whilst PMSing.Β 

23 Mar

Well hello there! How are you? Yes that is the title to this blog post and yes we ARE talking periods. Emotions, periods, LIFE. 

Thanks for joining me on this gloomy Friday evening. Well, for me it is anyways. It’s just gone half ten at night and I’m lying in my bed, the rain is pouring outside, I’ve had the longest week and dear lord I am feeling so.damn.cranky.

Life has been lovely and swell over the last few weeks. Work has been crazy and my social life has been a little busy for once (ha!) however if you follow my blog by now then you’ll know that life in general comes with plenty of challenges along the way! Periods are one of them.

Yep. PMS! It’s that time of the month folks. Soz, this isn’t a blog post about sharing my menstrual cycle with you. Stick with me on this one! I know that any lady reading this right now will feel my struggle. Boys, if you’re rolling your eyes already then skip to the next page and come back another time or do stay and read! I’d love to enlighten you!

Growing up to be an actual adult and hitting your 20s is honestly the most exciting yet daunting time of any girls life in my opinion (or any man too I’m sure!) We’re all running through the job mill, trying to find our feet, gaining all of this crazy life experience and it’s so god damn hard. The last thing we need is Mother Nature knocking on our door once a month to plague us with the river of HELL that is flowing from our god damn vaginas. (Sorry but it’s true..)

Lots of girls go through different experiences when it comes to their period. Today in work, a group of my female colleagues and I all stopped to have a bit of a chat during our day and funnily enough had a bit of a rant about PMSing together!! A group of ladies all PMSing together at the same time can sound like a dangerous mix I know, but sometimes we forget that our fellow sisters are going through it too so it’s nice to actually laugh it off and share our thoughts on the god awful thing.

For me, I’m usually pretty ok with everything. It’s annoying, it’s uncomfortable, it’s shitty…but I survive. Today however… Oh my! The mood swings are REAL! 

I like to talk a lot about mental health on my blog and in general in my life because it’s something I’m passionate about. I never thought however that something quite obvious like a period that clearly makes your hormones go all out of whack would be something I never discussed here! I think sometimes it can actually be very easily forgotten that a natural part of a woman’s body cycle can really affect daily ongoings! 

I was reading up a little about PMS this evening and if you don’t know what it actually is, it basically refers to the emotional and physical symptoms that can occur with a woman’s period. Fatigue, feeling bloated, headaches, cramps. A lot of physical things yes, but the biggest of all.. MOOD SWINGS! They are no joke people. No joke at all! Life will be grand and life will be swell and then all of a sudden, the tiniest of things can get you feeling so emotional. That cute puppy video on Facebook? Gone. Pass the tissues. Someone accidentally bumps into you on the street? KILL THEM!!!! Savage sally is on the loose. A friend has to cancel plans on you? NOPE THATS IT SHE HATES ME WE’RE NOT FRIENDS AGAIN! …the list could go on! I’m sure we’ve all reevaluated ourselves post period mood swing and actually questioned our sanity and how anyone puts up with us.

It is so hard though and men of the world, if any of you are reading this just know that we don’t hate you when we go off on one. It’s called hormones. They make our life hell and we have no control over them so please be patient with us then we’ll be back to our lovely selves soon enough. The same goes for any loved one really. We all lash out every now again but please, IT’S NOT US!!! It’s the god damn HORMONES OF HELL!! 

I think dealing with periods and all of the emotions during puberty and the teenage years is a struggle enough but doing it whilst trying to hold your life together and reach your goals and aspirations in your 20’s is a lot lot harder! It’s about time we all give ourselves a bit of credit for surviving the monster on a monthly basis and I just want to say how strong we all must be to endure it with everything else life throws at us.

I started this evening on a real negative and sour note about everything. My mind was playing tricks on me, going into a spiral thinking everything sucked and my life was over but after writing it all out and coming to the realisation that it is not my life, it is the damn hormones… I realise it’s not all so bad after all! A calm and relaxing sleep is all that is needed sometimes and a positive mindset that we will soon be paddling our way out of shit creek!

So fellow ladies, trust me when I say I know how you’re feeling. It’s gross, it’s the worst and I hate everything about it. BUT. It’s doesn’t go on forever and ruin our lives. Grab your period by the metephorical balls and soldier on!

Thanks for reading and ciao for now! Xo

#TimeToTalk 2018

1 Feb

Hey everyone! How are we? Hope you’re well and thanks for joining the blog again!

I’d just like to start off this blog by celebrating the fact that it’s BLOODY FEBRUARY!!! At last!! (*Insert celebratory dance*) I think a lot of people can probably relate and rejoice with me when I say thank GOD January is over. What a bleedin month it’s been. January blues is always the hardest and it seems everyone and anyone has been ill this month including myself! My last blog detailed my fun journey with two bouts of the flu! This week decided to challenge me even more when I came down with a tooth infection! JOY! (Still battling with it currently. Shall update you on the next blog) I keep praying for the day where I don’t have an illness to battle but hey ho, at least we’re getting them out of the way at the start of the year!

Anyways, back to the point – January is over and February is here. SCORE!

I’ve noticed today that February 1st has somehow become a day to mark a lot of occasions. Apparently it’s the beginning of LGBT History Month along with Black History Month (yay equality!) which was unbeknownst to me until I checked twitter today. February also marks the month of Valentine’s Day and shrove Tuesday! (Gimme dem pancakes yaaaaaas)

For me, today marks the 20 day countdown until I go on my trip to New York City (!!!!!!) – BUT more importantly than that, today is #TimeToTalk day in relation with all things mental health! I can’t say that I’ve ever heard of this day before. I’m not aware if it is a yearly thing or a one off campaign but the purpose of it is to spread the message worldwide that when it comes to our mental health and our emotions, it is bloody well ok to talk to someone about it! I’ve seen that Theresa May and the government and mental health charities and social influencers are all publicising the cause so it’s a national/worldwide thing by all accounts!

If anyone has been following my blog for the last few years, you’ll know that I’m an absolute preacher and an advocate for this message. As someone who has first hand struggled with their own mental health issues and been the type of person to hide their problems, I’ve truly learnt the gift and the benefit of speaking up! You can read more about my personal journey here but what I learnt from my experiences is that bottling up your problems and hiding everything away can be and will be THE most detrimental thing you could ever do to yourself and your health. 

There is a very unfortunate stigma attached with mental health and speaking out about your problems with a perception that you will somehow come across as a weak person. All of a sudden a dark cloud looms over you and you’re apparently incapable of being a functioning person. It’s just not true. The most successful people in the world can look like they have it all and still sit alone in a room behind closed doors and think they are worthless. Your mental health and your problems do not define you as a person. They are just a part of you and everyone has many different coping mechanisms with all of it, but the one common thread that will always help anyone suffering with a mental health issue is sharing that problem with someone. Whether it’s face to face, over the phone, via email or text, to a family member or a complete stranger – there is a natural releasing and reassuring feeling from speaking your thoughts. It’s the only way that we can actually function as humans. Contact and communication. Without it we are absolute hermits in isolation and that’s no way to live! Trust me, I’ve attempted the hermit life on many occasions, determined that I don’t need anyone else and that I WILL live my life from the comfort of my own bed… only to come to the realisation that actually, I’ve kinda got bills to pay and need to go to work! (Oops!) Don’t worry, we’ve all been there then had a word with ourselves but we snap out of it eventually!

No matter what I may be feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration… the minute I start having my little rants or life chats with someone I know, I instantly feel better. Sometimes I will stay very silent and keep myself to myself praying for someone to ask me how I’m doing. Other times, I will approach people and speak how I feel. I think too often, a lot of us (myself included) always feel some strange sense of guilt or hindernece when it comes to offloading to others. 

Here’s a prime example of common thoughts that will most likely run through most people’s heads in such a scenario: “You know what? I feel really stressed about this piece of work. It’s getting me really flustered. What can I do? Oh god, I can’t rant to that person, I already had a rant the other day about something. And I definitely can’t text that person, I had a right old moan about something else last week to them. They’ll think I’m just depressing and negative! Oh god how will that make me look? They’ll just see me as some annoying depressed person. Nope, forget it, they just won’t understand it. I’ll just keep it all to myself, let it all bottle up and have a little meltdown until I eventually wallow in my sadness and frustration and hope it all just magically goes away!”  Ta-da!! Sound like you?! Haha! Don’t worry me too sometimes! It’s only natural for us to do it I guess but let’s turn it around people! I’ve often been that person who never wants to bother people with my issues but as time has gone on, I’ve learnt that it’s ok to offload. (Shoutout to all the wonderful people in my life that have constantly let me rant and speak to them about ANYTHING! Love ya long time xox) 

What’s important to remember is that I deserve happiness and I deserve to be listened to and so do you. It doesn’t matter how many times you rant about your issues, perhaps to the same person, perhaps to 5 other people. IT’S OK! Anyone who doesn’t take the time to listen to you or appreciate your problems is misunderstood and misinformed. They do not serve you purpose. Find the people or things in your life where you can feel safe to let go. This does not make you a burden. No one should ever feel like a burden and every one of your emotions is valid regardless of anyone’s opinion!

In my workplace, I am still striving to complete a goal in becoming a mental health first aider in my office. Today some of the first aiders put on a small #TimeToTalk event during work hours inviting everyone and anyone to come together to literally do exactly what the slogan says. Talk! Me and my friend popped over to the event and it was quite nice and positive! I was refreshingly amazed at the amount of men in the room when I first walked in. When we visited, there were about 5 men and 2 of us girls. In this day and age in particular, the stigma against men specifically is ridiculous! It seems that men are even more discouraged to talk about their emotions with fear they will look weak. It’s a ludicrous situation really that is still being tackled so to be able to see such a large volume of men in a room talking about their mental health was truly inspiring and wonderful to witness! I’m really excited for what the future holds with the development and improvement of mental health, particularly in the workplace. We still have a very long way to go, but to be a part of a strong development and progressional journey is fantastic. I really hope that more people can feel like they can start to talk more openly about their issues. I personally would always offer my time and advice to anyone who would need it so if anyone out there is reading this blog and you want someone to talk to, hit me up with an email or a tweet via my contact page and I’ll be here! If not I will leave some other links below for places to go and support services that can hear you out!

That’s all I wanted to say for now I guess! I hope the positive message can spread to at least one more person in this world and if you have enjoyed this blog then please do click on the share button and get it going around on social media because you could really be helping someone with their struggle!

Thanks so much for reading and ciao for now! Xo

Linkedy-links:

Please note, I’m from the UK, so these are UK based charities and resources that I am aware of. Plenty exist around the world if you are from afar so fear not and hit that google search!

Suicide prevention helpline – Dial 116 123

Samaritans – http://www.samaritans.org

(Side note about samaritans! Did you know that you can actually email them if you’re not comfortable on the phone? I’ve used this myself in the past and they provide a great service.)

Mind charity – http://www.mind.org.uk

Heads above the waves (popping these up as a local charity in the area of Cardiff as that’s where I’m from and know that some friends may see this!) – http://hatw.co.uk

StampOutStigma – http://www.stampoutstigma.co.uk

Found this great article by the NHS with a very large contact list of helplines for all sorts on the mental health scope! – https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

2018, what’s good!?

25 Jan

Well hello there people of the internet world! How are you? Cheers for joining me back on the blog and hello if you’re new!

Guys. It’s nearly the end of January already. WHAT!? I know I sound like such a granny saying this but good god, time is flying!!! (Someone pass me my walking stick isit?) It only felt like 2 days ago I was stepping into the new year feeling like an absolute boss. Now I’m shitting my life thinking everything is about to end because we’ve nearly reached feb hahahah! But no, on a serious level, it’s bloody fantastic to be here for another year and to step into 2018! I have been longing for it for quite some time and I’m sure if you read my last blog post, you know that I was fully done with December and 2017 at that point. It was a tough old month and I was ready for fresh starts and what a fresh start it’s certainly been!

So, minus the fact that I had to take a whole week off work in mid January due to absolutely dyyyyyyinggggg with the bloody flu AGAIN (screw you aussies and your aussie flu!)…the month as a whole so far has been pretty great and positive! I am all about advocating mental health in my life and on the blog so am most certainly happy to share that the mental health side of things is going pretty well at the moment! It’s important to celebrate achievement and positivity and I don’t think we ever do it enough as a human race!

Back in November, I actually started writing a daily mental health journal in my iPhone notes. It was something I decided I really wanted to commit to and my god, I couldn’t recommend it enough! It’s my personal little space for rants and thoughts of all sorts. I log every single day (okay, maybe I missed one or two but hey, I ain’t perfect hunnay!) and I just write whatever is in my head and how I’ve felt about that particular day. I write out the most random stuff like what I had for tea that night or who I spoke to at lunch but I also delve into why I might’ve had a bad day or in fact a good day. Whatever it is, you name it and it’s going in the mental health journal! It’s my own little log book and I find it really helpful to dissect my feelings and my day to day life as to how I’m functioning. I feel like it’s great to read back on the diary too so I can reflect and better understand how my feelings develop and figure out what triggers my depression or mood swings etc. I am slowly getting conscious that my phone will run out of storage space with the amount I’m writing so I am considering transferring everything onto a paper journal before long so hit me up if you have any cute notebook recommendations!! (Bloody love a good notebook.)

Along with my little journal that I’ve been keeping, I’m also pretty regular with my gym sessions and swimming! Aside from the weeks where I’ve been dying of illness(trust me when I say guuuuurl, you did not wanna know or be near me when that flu came for me like a tsunami!), I’m actually quite proud of myself that I’ve been committing to at least 3 or so gym sessions per week. I don’t go crazy hard in the gym because I am someone who likes to take baby steps. If I dive in head first and drive myself like some crazy gym head, I know that it’ll wear off quickly and I won’t stick to it. So my more chilled (and sweaty,mmm!) sessions usually consist of 35-40 minutes of cardio activity like the bike, the treadmill or the cross trainer and then I reward myself with a nice swimming session in the pool after! I can honestly say that the swimming pool is my MOST happiest place ever. I have always been a water baby (in zodiac world, I am a cancer, aka a crab, aka a water sign, so it makes sense…) and the feeling of floating and being weightless and free in the water relaxes me to another level! I think the gym sessions are totally having a positive impact on me physically and mentally. It’s happening slowly but I have been losing a small amount of weight which is a cool thing to see and also my mindset is generally so much stronger than it was a few months ago. 

So all in all, with my little journal and my decent gym routine, focusing on these small goals along with eating fairly decently through the working week – it is keeping me super focused! It’s also making me spend a lot more time with myself which I think is a very underrated thing in this day and age. We all hate the feeling of being lonely but sometimes you have to embrace the alone time. It’s so good for your mind and this has been something I’ve been rekindling myself with in 2018 for sure. I went through a period of time of being very content with my own company and going travelling over a year or two ago, however I slipped out of that quite a bit during the second half of last year! I became very enthralled again with other people’s lives and problems and always yearned for attention and company of others otherwise I’d feel helpless and sad. I’ve made it a mission of mine to do more for myself this year and going forward because the detriment that can be caused by not looking after number one really can be quite catastrophic and I don’t think people know that enough!

So for me, it’s little goals, it’s good food, good sleep and a routine. For you and others, maybe gym or swimming or writing isn’t your thing! It could be music, dancing, cooking, exploring, drawing, talking. Whatever the task or activity may be, you have a way of looking after yourself and making yourself feel good and balanced! So if like me you’re pumped and ready for the year ahead then do your damn thing and show the world what you’re made of! Let go of things in the past that brought you down. Realise your self worth and you bloody strut that sexy ass of yours down that street with confidence hunnayyyy!! (The sass levels are high right now guys okay…)

I guess what I just wanted to get out of this blog is that 2018 is here, the saying “NEW YEAR NEW ME” may be laughed at and super cliche but it could not be truer and I am ready to smash life this year and I hope you come along for the ride with me! I’m happy to be kicking off the first blog of 2018 on a high and look forward to continue documenting what happens throughout the year! I hope anyone reading this has also had a good start to the year and if you haven’t then FEAR NOT MY FRIEND! You have another glorious 11 months to make up for it and change it around! 

Oh- PS! I am doing the greatest and most exciting thing (well I think) ever this year and that is: I am recording 1 second of every day of this year and making it into one big video at the end of 2018!! I know that might sound weird but being a lover of media and all things video and music etc- this makes my little heart tingle with excitement! I saw some people do it last year and I think it’s honestly the nicest thing to keep and look back at. I will admit it is an absolute MISSION having to think of something good to film every bloody day for 365 days of the year but so far it has gone fairly successful. I do chuckle to myself watching back my month so far and notice that 80% of my 1 second clips is either me eating food or me sitting in a dressing gown under a blanket with tissue roll in my hand from flu infested days in bed haha! I’m so excited to finally share the end product at the end of this year so stay bloody tuned for that one folks!

In other news – I am going to New York in feb (ahhhhh!!!!) so should have an awesome blog to follow that trip in the next few weeks so catch you on the flip side with that!

Thanks for reading and ciao for now! Xo

The Winter Blues

20 Dec

Hello everyone! Hope you’re well and happy Christmas! 

Bloody ‘ell, it’s Christmas! How are we 5 days before Xmas day? Just how!? It’s the most manic time of the year and I think it’s safe to say, we’ve all lost our marbles. I’ll be honest with you December, you’ve not been my bloody friend this year! 

For lots of people, December and Christmas time is the happiest time of the year and everyone is filled with joy and happiness and festivities! Ho ho NO! Nope not for me. And I’m sure for a lot of other people you feel the same!! I think it’s often forgotten that depression and stress can really take its toll on us during this winter period. The phrase “winter blues” as they call it is often thrown around and it’s definitely not to be underestimated! I thought it’d be worth writing this blog to reach out to the masses who may also be struggling or have been struggling this winter! Don’t worry, you’re not alone!

I’ve always been the festive type growing up and have often associated Christmas as a happy time. I’ve been THAT person who builds up the whole month like a mad Christmas lady. Whacking on the Christmas jumper, the Christmas tree is up pronto, the deccies are out in full force and I’m blasting out the Christmas tunes for a solid month. 

Well, not this year folks, not this bloody year! I’ll be honest, I’ve been a bit of a bah humbug this year but purely for good (I hope) reasons. As I mentioned, I’ve always been the type to build up the festive season for as long as I can but the negative that usually comes with that is the actual Christmas days (eve,day and Boxing Day) end up being so depressing and boring. I usually wear myself out by the time it comes around and end up feeling so anti climatic and deflated for the big event. This year I thought no, I’m taking a stand and I’m switching up my mindset surrounding Christmas. Wether or not you agree with the method is your prerogative but I’m hoping my method is going to pay off for me come Christmas Day. I’ve decided to chill out on the build up this time. I don’t even have a tree in my flat, what an absolute Scrooge!!! (Although to be honest, that purely came down to laziness and logistics but I digress…) I put up some Christmas lights and table decorations in the lounge but that’s it really. I’ve not soaked up any Christmas atmosphere and I am skipping the music channels any time I bloody hear Mariah Carey screaming All I Want For Christmas! I’m doing this really in the hopes that the lack of long term build up will result in short term fulfilment on Christmas Day! I’m already so excited to just eat good food and do nothing but that’s it. Once we’re done with the initial days, I am so ready to move onwards to 2018. I know some people will read this and think, Jesus Christ, negative Nancy is on a rampage but stick with me on this! I think it’s about time we all started being a bit honest about the Christmas period. Everyone is expected to be happy and jolly but I’m pretty sure we all have had an absolute tit full already! Christmas and December is really not an easy time for some people and I’m sure we can all relate on some level. It’s not to say I loathe every single thing about the whole month because I really don’t! (It actually snowed this year which was so magical!!) However it’s just about addressing the reality and the honest side of the festive season which some people forget about.

If you’re an avid follower of my blog, you’ll probably be in tune with the jaunts of my mental health journey and where I’ve been at throughout the years! I always take one day at a time and go through the ups and downs but this December has generally been a right old struggle. General work madness and busy times have really taken over my life in the last few weeks and I’ve found it difficult. I’ve been back and forth to the dentist having root canal treatment (let me tell you kids, IT AIN’T FUN!!). I’ve been summoned to complete jury service 2 weeks before Christmas which if you’ve ever done jury service before, you’ll understand the absolute faff of it all and not knowing whether you’re coming or going! (It was however super interesting and felt like I was on a tv programme!! Maybe I’ll keep this as a future blog idea-stay tuned!) The flu hit me uber hard this month too and I’m still suffering as I write this! My body has been absolutely battered with illness and trying to cope with that and the cold weather amongst attempting to be a functioning adult, attending Christmas social gatherings and battling the Christmas shoppers… all in all I guess you could say it all came to a bit of a head recently and I had a bit of a mini meltdown in work. You’re probably thinking, dear god woman get a grip!! It’s only Christmas, you don’t need to lose your mind over it! But that’s the joy of having a mental illness! Everything just becomes too much and it all crumbles down because you’re too busy trying to power on. I don’t know what happened but I just lost it. I’d been pushing and fighting for so long through this godamn month of madness and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think physically I was just defeated from the illness but my lord, the struggle had been real! God bless my wonderful manager for listening to my whailing and complaining about my life as I sobbed and snotted into my hands. (Mmm… a true vision.) Honest to god, I don’t know how she copes with me! To be honest, I thought I’d already had my December/winter breakdown back at the beginning of December when I truly had a Bridget jones moment. Queue seperate story time:

It was a dreary Monday. I’d been on a real positive streak for a good week or two and then the downward spiral came. I knew it would happen soon enough but I didn’t quite prepare myself for the iconic ‘mare monday’ as I like to call it. I’d been feeling generally quite anxious and tired the day before because Monday was to be the first day of my root canal treatment. I’d been dreading it for weeks and I had to go on my own to get this shitty dental work. I tried to be a positive polly. I’m generally really brave when it comes to doctors and hospitals etc but oh good lord I was not prepared for the pain that was about to come!! Fast forward 3 or so hell-ish hours later, I’d had the horrific root canal and I was back at my flat. I had a food delivery coming to my flat fairly soon and just wanted to get it sorted. I was so done with this Monday already so all I needed was the food to come and I could just relax. I laid on my bed in agony, face feeling like a balloon and I suddenly heard the noises of the delivery van. Fantastic, the delivery has arrived! My phone starts to ring so I answer it to the delivery driver who is just outside. “Hi yeah you’re gonna have to come downstairs and collect your shopping”. Um what. No honey NOOOO. You have picked the wrong day and the wrong person to say that to. I paid this company a delivery fee for them to DELIVER the food order to my door. To.my.door. Not to my car park floor. To.my.door. I’d recognised this tricky delivery driver from a previous time and he tried this on with me before. Last time, like the pushover I am, I gave in and went downstairs to carry the extremely heavy boxes up my two flights of stairs to my flat. Despite the fact I shouldn’t have, I still did. On this day, there was a fire raging within me (and probably a shit ton of anaesthetic and pain killers in me too, ahem). “No I am not coming downstairs to collect it. I am not strong enough to carry 3 crates of shopping by myself. I have paid you a delivery fee to bring it to my door so I need you to bring it up.” This bloke was having none of it. Giving me some bullshit excuse about how he can’t because it’s on the second floor. At this stage, I was ready to unleash the beast. “Right, well you’re going to have to call up another driver then to bring it to me please because I am not coming downstairs to collect it.” He huffed and puffed. I’d never spoken to such a rude man and up he trots up the stairs in disgust. He reluctantly placed my shopping by my door, said no words and walked off. He infuriated me to another level! I was not in the best state of mind but I decided to call the shopping company straight away!! I was polite to the poor lady receiving my angry call but good god did I unleash hell! I told her exactly what I thought of that rude man. I was being a typical Brit, speaking to a call centre and having a moan (rightly so though..). In my angst and frustration, the plastercine stuff that they glued into my root canal/damaged tooth popped off because of how enraged I became. And that was it. The cherry on top of the shit sundae that was ‘mare monday’. In my tiny shitty kitchen, tins of soup and various foods sprawled on the kitchen top, white dental plastercine somewhere on the floor. That was it. That was my low moment. The tears just flew out. There I am crying my eyes out in my kitchen because a stupid delivery man pissed me off. I actually stopped half way through my meltdown and laughed at how comical this moment was. I truly was having a Bridget jones movie moment and I couldn’t quite get over it.

So yeah, sorry about the tangent, but the point I was trying to make is that December has been bloody hard okay!?!? I’d like to think I’m not the only one who feels this way and would love to hear about your crazy Decembers! Side note – this is not to discredit all you fantastic festive babes in the world who bloody love a jolly holly Christmas! I’m sure you’re having the time of your life in your santa onesie drinking a glass of mulled wine, and bloody hats off to you, but I on the other hand am speaking out for the fellow grinches of Christmas!! Sod Christmas! Feed me the turkey, stuffing and gravy and let’s get on with it. Who’s with me!? Let’s crack on into 2018 already! I honestly can’t wait to get into 2018! I feel so pumped to get going with a fresh mindset, back and focused on the gym and I have an incredible trip to New York to look forward to in February! My next blog I’m sure will delve into the new year and my goals ahead for it!

So just a friendly reminder, if you feel pressure to put on a smile and be all jolly for christmas when in fact you’re really effin tired and couldn’t be more arsed, then just know you are not the only one who feels this way!! No one is judging you, we all feel your struggle and keep on fighting!

Thanks for reading, merry or un-merry Christmas to you all and ciao for now xo

PMA is the key.

7 Nov

Hello everyone! Hope you’re well and happy Tuesday! 

So here we are on the journey of megs mental health and general life. Such a thrilling tale it is(!) ho ho ho….

The last few blogs I realise I’ve probably sounded like a moaning Minnie but it’s just all part of the rollercoaster journey! I appreciate if you’ve stuck around! It’s been very up and down. I’ve had some positive moments and some not so positive moments but as this year is nearly drawing to a close (holy crap how is it December next month) I am feeling reflective this week and positivity is in the air!

I put a photo on my instagram earlier this evening of a screenshot from my iPhone notes. I sat in my room having a moment with myself about a month ago with thoughts running through my head and I decided to open up inotes and start listing some goals and some positive thoughts. I was so fed up of feeling down and negative so I forced myself to just write. There were 3 main ‘goals’ that I wanted to achieve and I jotted them down:

GYM

NEW YORK

FLAT

I guess when most people think of goals, they think of the long term future or something they’ve always wanted to achieve but never put their mind to it. I’ve always been one of those people to set goals, big or small. It’s something that I find stabilises myself and my mindset and it keeps me in routine. 

When you have something to work towards, there feels like a purpose in your life, something to tick off, something to make you feel accomplished. I feel like the last time I really set a list and ticked the goals off was back in 2013/14. At the time, they were just small goals: get a part time job whilst at university, pass my driving test and move out of my halls of residence. Looking back now they weren’t anything major but to me at the time they were such important things that I was clinching to. I ticked off all of them and it made me feel so proud and happy.

Life really does get in the way sometimes and for me and I’m sure many people, mental health is a hard thing to deal with. It’s certainly gotten in my way these last few years and when I sat there on my phone a month ago, typing out all these thoughts, it made me notice that I’d stopped making my goals list. I had no real goals, no aims, no motivation, nothing. I hadn’t changed that for so long but now here I am years later and I’ve written down a list and I already have 2 of my current 3 goals done and dusted. 

Yesterday, I re joined the gym and went tonight after work for a gym and swim. It was one of the best feelings in the world and I’d been longing for that feeling for months!! Money issues kept getting in my way which was preventing me from re joining but I’ve finally been able to do it this month and I couldn’t be happier. I posted a photo on instagram at the gym and within the hour I received 3 motivational messages from my lovely friends. All spurring me on and making me feel empowered. 

So another goal for me after the gym was to sort out my living situation. This week, I put a deposit down for my very own flat. Not rented, BOUGHT! I never saw this coming for me so soon and it took me by surprise but one of the most important things for me over this last year has been to get my own place and to stop renting and paying out for shoddy flats. Now I can finally say that I’ll be a homeowner and I won’t have to pay shitty agencies their endless fees. I won’t have to deal with ridiculous wait times for repairs and I can do what I want when I want. This year we had a flood in the flat I’m currently living in and it just turned everything into a nightmare. I can’t wait to be free from it and step into my own property so the fact that I’ve already ticked that bad boy off the list is unreal.

And so brings me to my last ‘goal’ and that is to get a holiday booked for New York! I went to New York earlier this year on my own and had the most incredible time of my life. I have fallen in love with NYC and me and my parents have plans to return next Feb which is so exciting and it looks like we could be putting a deposit down really soon for that trip. After a hard year working on myself and working hard in my jobs, I’m really looking forward to a well earned break and adventure!

So I guess the moral of the story is…set goals, achieve them and be god damn grateful for everything you have in your life. Feeling motivated and getting all this great stuff done has in no way been possible without the help of my close friends and family. I am so damn grateful for all of them and they’ve really helped me achieve them. My family have supported me to the moon and back in everything that I do and really helped me take the steps to get my flat. My friends ( you know who you are) have always encouraged me to go for what I want and always spurred me to re join the gym and do what makes me happy. I also have myself to thank and to pat my back because without me or my self belief I wouldn’t make these things happen. (Side note – I love how I just casually wrote a thank you speech in my blog as if I’ve just won an oscar or something hahaha! Don’t mind me, just practicing for my big day! Anyway, back to business…)

Too often, we let all of the negative things in our life shadow over the good. I think it’s important to send out a daily or weekly reminder to everyone that life is not all bad and that life can be everything you want it to be if you put your mind to it! 

Every day when I go to work, I wear a lanyard around my neck that reads ‘PMA IS THE KEY’ (positive mental attitude in case you didn’t know what PMA was). I got it from a local mental health charity group called Heads Above The Waves who I’ve been following for the last few years (they’re great btw – check them out here!) and I look at it everyday and it reminds me to stay positive. There are plenty of days where I ignore the bold writing around my neck and I spiral into negativity but it never takes me long to step out of it and look down at what’s right in front of me. PMA is the key and without it we’d all be bloody screwed so get your positive hats on folks!!

Thanks for reading and ciao for now! X